Hello people! My goodness, I'm back, but at a new address and with a whole new blog! I guess I could just keep this blog going, but it's so higgledy-piggedly that I thought I'd make a clean start. So if you vaguely remember me, and vaguely remember enjoying some of my posts, please follow my new blog: www.luluslittlelovelies.blogspot.com
Much love to all of you! xxxxxx
Ps: I've really missed blogging, and now that I'm a stay-at-home-mom (just for now) I need some adult company, even if it is in the form of blogging!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Regrets...and joys
For many months I regretted having a baby. Sadly, that is the truth. It's a truth that, as mother, I don't want to admit but there's no escaping it. It's not that I ever regretted my son per say, but I did regret having him. The total dependency was scary! This was during the early months, when I was walking around in a sleep-deprived coma, with a life that I didn't recognise as mine.
I went into the hospital as a free and independent woman, and I came out of hospital with no freedom and a permanent, crying attachment. I always laugh when people refer to their spouses as their "ball and chain" - a child is a true ball and chain! I couldn't go anywhere or do anything like I could before. I mean, technically I could still go places with the baby, but not practically. As any mother knows, going anywhere with a new baby is a whole operation - nappy bag, bum cream, nappies, bottles, towels, change of clothes etc...and then of course the baby, the pram, the blankets...then you remember yourself and that you haven't even showered yet that day! And the baby starts crying just as you're about to leave and so you have to stop and feed him. Mostly I didn't even feel like going out, but I missed wanting to. And I missed being spontaneous. Not that I was ever one for last minute plans, but if we felt like going out to lunch or a movie my husband and I could just go. Now there were no more movies or easy lunches out for me. Going out for any small thing had to be planned to the enth degree.
Day after day would see me in a pool of tears and it was usually only 9am! I hated feeling so trapped, and so at the mercy of this little crying bundle. The 3 hourly feeds felt like torture - I would just have finished the feed, changed the nappy and put him to sleep when he would wake and the whole cycle would start all over again.
But slowly, day by day, things settled. Not into a routine, mind you, although I was dying for one! No, that came much later, and even now I use the term "routine" loosely! But slowly, we grew accustomed to one another, this little guy and I, and I even started to enjoy some moments with him. The first time he smiled properly at me, at around 5 weeks, was like a little drop of water for my parched soul. And then later came a giggle, and I felt like, okay, maybe I can do this. Maybe I can get through the day. Maybe it will all be okay.
And then came sitting by himself, and with that little bit of independence, a sliver of release arrived for me. I could actually leave him for 5 minutes playing happily with his toys whilst I got on with doing something. And bit by bit, pieces of my old life returned to me as he became more of a little person and less of a helpless blob.
Now, a year down the line, things are nowhere near to normal, but I can say that I have a semblance of a life again, my life, again. It's nothing like my old, carefree, pre-baby life, but it is richer in many ways (and harder in others), but finally I can say with truth and an open heart that I no longer regret having had my baby.
I went into the hospital as a free and independent woman, and I came out of hospital with no freedom and a permanent, crying attachment. I always laugh when people refer to their spouses as their "ball and chain" - a child is a true ball and chain! I couldn't go anywhere or do anything like I could before. I mean, technically I could still go places with the baby, but not practically. As any mother knows, going anywhere with a new baby is a whole operation - nappy bag, bum cream, nappies, bottles, towels, change of clothes etc...and then of course the baby, the pram, the blankets...then you remember yourself and that you haven't even showered yet that day! And the baby starts crying just as you're about to leave and so you have to stop and feed him. Mostly I didn't even feel like going out, but I missed wanting to. And I missed being spontaneous. Not that I was ever one for last minute plans, but if we felt like going out to lunch or a movie my husband and I could just go. Now there were no more movies or easy lunches out for me. Going out for any small thing had to be planned to the enth degree.
Day after day would see me in a pool of tears and it was usually only 9am! I hated feeling so trapped, and so at the mercy of this little crying bundle. The 3 hourly feeds felt like torture - I would just have finished the feed, changed the nappy and put him to sleep when he would wake and the whole cycle would start all over again.
But slowly, day by day, things settled. Not into a routine, mind you, although I was dying for one! No, that came much later, and even now I use the term "routine" loosely! But slowly, we grew accustomed to one another, this little guy and I, and I even started to enjoy some moments with him. The first time he smiled properly at me, at around 5 weeks, was like a little drop of water for my parched soul. And then later came a giggle, and I felt like, okay, maybe I can do this. Maybe I can get through the day. Maybe it will all be okay.
And then came sitting by himself, and with that little bit of independence, a sliver of release arrived for me. I could actually leave him for 5 minutes playing happily with his toys whilst I got on with doing something. And bit by bit, pieces of my old life returned to me as he became more of a little person and less of a helpless blob.
Now, a year down the line, things are nowhere near to normal, but I can say that I have a semblance of a life again, my life, again. It's nothing like my old, carefree, pre-baby life, but it is richer in many ways (and harder in others), but finally I can say with truth and an open heart that I no longer regret having had my baby.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I'm getting my life back!
My baby boy is nearly a year old and finally I feel somewhat back to normal. He's sleeping through the night, he's nearly walking, and is becoming more like a little human being rather than a helpless blob. Things are looking good! So maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to blog again.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Picture post - 15 weeks
He is a real water baby! It was so hot this weekend and he just loves being in the pool!
Looking at his toys whilst in his bouncing chair.
One very tired blogger/Night wakings
I've been a very, very slack blogger, mainly due to the fact that I'm no longer at my husband's shop where the computer is, and secondly, because I'm pretty tired from endless night shifts with my baby. He is still having two feeds at night, and sometimes wakes at other times too! When he wakes and I think it's not feed time, then I just give him a dummy. He sleeps on his tummy and lately, because he has started to roll, he rolls onto his back in his sleep and that often wakes him up and I find him lying in his cot with his eyes wide open, as if he startled himself. He still can't roll back the other way yet, so I have to put him on his tummy again for him to go back to sleep. Usually this works, but some nights I'm up about 4 times! Other nights, when he sleeps more solidly, I'll only be up twice for his feeds, and that's a great night! But all I dream of is a solid night's sleep again! I'm used to the nights now, but still.
I get SO jealous when I hear of these babies who just sleep through the night. I don't know if the fact that I'm breastfeeding makes a difference, as it's often formula babies who seem to sleep through, but my baby is 3 and a half months old now and he is still feeding twice at night, and not going very long between feeds at night. I guess some babies are like that, but I keep wondering what I can do to encourage him to go longer at night. I tried to give him formula for 2 nights for his last feed, but that didn't really help much either. I guess I could try again, but I am happy that he is almost exclusively breastfed. That is, at least, the one thing I feel I'm getting right with him and unless the formula is going to make a huge difference, I'm not keen to use it. It's also a hassle to keep washing and sterilising bottles when it's much quicker and easier to just whip out a boob!
Oh well, hopefully by six months or so he'll be sleeping longer. I wonder when I'll get my nights back? Or at least drop down to just one night feed? Help.
I get SO jealous when I hear of these babies who just sleep through the night. I don't know if the fact that I'm breastfeeding makes a difference, as it's often formula babies who seem to sleep through, but my baby is 3 and a half months old now and he is still feeding twice at night, and not going very long between feeds at night. I guess some babies are like that, but I keep wondering what I can do to encourage him to go longer at night. I tried to give him formula for 2 nights for his last feed, but that didn't really help much either. I guess I could try again, but I am happy that he is almost exclusively breastfed. That is, at least, the one thing I feel I'm getting right with him and unless the formula is going to make a huge difference, I'm not keen to use it. It's also a hassle to keep washing and sterilising bottles when it's much quicker and easier to just whip out a boob!
Oh well, hopefully by six months or so he'll be sleeping longer. I wonder when I'll get my nights back? Or at least drop down to just one night feed? Help.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
A few more pics
The top pic is from a few weeks ago, the second pic is more recent, about 2 weeks ago. The little guy is now 11 weeks - wow!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
My Caesar birth experience
I have been meaning to blog about my c-section for ages now, so I will take the chance today to do so.
That morning we had to be at the hospital early - 6 am - as I was the first patient of the day - so we woke at about 5 am to get ready to go. What a surreal feeling to know that "this is the day I am going to be a mother". I guess when you go into natural labour you have a different kind of excitement, but this feeling of knowing for sure that in a few hours you'll be holding your baby in your arms - it was like nothing I've felt before. Excitement mixed with nerves mixed with anticipation and a touch of fear of the unknown.
My gynae was there bright and early and all cheery - I was a bundle of nerves by then. He asked me and my hubby if we could all join hands and say a prayer - which I thought was really a wonderful, lovely touch. He said a very sweet prayer asking that all goes well and that God blesses us with a healthy baby. I felt like crying!
The anaethetist then came in to meet me and so began the quickest event of my life. I truly felt like the whole caesar went by in a flash. One minute I'm being prepped, given the spinal and the next minute it felt like the baby was out! So fast, just like that! (I'm clicking my fingers here.) They were already cutting me open when my husband joined us in the theatre - talk about wasting no time! But the whole time I felt very anxious - would I feel something? What was happening? I could also smell them cortirising my flesh - what a terrible smell! Then in the next second the gynae was lifting the baby over the screen to show him to me - now that was the shortest moment ever! It's burned into my memory forever - the first glimpse of my newborn son - but I felt like it only lasted a nanosecond before they were whipping him away to examine him, weigh him and whatever else they do. And I remember my first thought was "Oh thank God he doesn't look like a funny little monkey" (as a lot of babies do). He was actually really beautiful, even if I say so myself - like a poster baby. And I was SO relieved and couldn't believe that this gorgeous baby was mine. I had produced him. This was the thing that had been squirming around inside me for the past few months!
My hubby (as instructed by me) immediately went with the baby whilst I lay there being stitched up -craning my neck to see my baby - but I saw nothing and could only hear him crying. But that crying was like music to my ears. He is alive and well and breathing! Then they brought baby to me for a quick photo or two, and then I was whisked away to recovery - where I got the most uncontrollable shakes. And all the while my mind and heart is with my baby - I was DYING to see him again and hold him and examine him properly!
Finally I was back in my ward, and luckily they brought my baby to me shortly after that for his first feed. All I can say is, the nursing sister who helped me get him to latch was a godsend! An angel from heaven. I really believe she is the reason I am successfully breastfeeding today. Because with a (by now very painful) caesar cut, I couldn't sit up, could hardly move to the side - how awkward for this poor baby to basically feed with me lying down. But she encouraged me to sort of lie on my side and she pulled out my nipple and positioned him as best as to allow him to latch - and latch he did! Hoorah! And we were on our way. But if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have had the faintest clue how to get that tiny mouth onto my breast.
And then the PAIN really started to set in as the spinal wore off. They came and injected me with something which was meant to take the pain away, but all it did was make me very drowsy but I still felt intense pain! So I just lay there, all drugged and trying to sleep, but not able to, my mind was racing with the events of the day, and the shooting pain kept me awake too!
I tell you, I have never felt pain like that in all my life. I could hardly even move in the bed! And the very next morning at the Godforsaken hour of about 5 am they made me get up and go for a shower! I did it, but I was in agony!
All in all, my caesar went well, but I felt so very helpless afterwards what with not being able to move, not being able to get in and out of bed by myself etc. I felt like I wasn't able to fully take care of my baby and that was very frustrating! But looking back now, I can say that I was lucky to have had a "good" caesar - all went well, I have healed well, and I was up and walking - albeit painfully - the next day!
That morning we had to be at the hospital early - 6 am - as I was the first patient of the day - so we woke at about 5 am to get ready to go. What a surreal feeling to know that "this is the day I am going to be a mother". I guess when you go into natural labour you have a different kind of excitement, but this feeling of knowing for sure that in a few hours you'll be holding your baby in your arms - it was like nothing I've felt before. Excitement mixed with nerves mixed with anticipation and a touch of fear of the unknown.
My gynae was there bright and early and all cheery - I was a bundle of nerves by then. He asked me and my hubby if we could all join hands and say a prayer - which I thought was really a wonderful, lovely touch. He said a very sweet prayer asking that all goes well and that God blesses us with a healthy baby. I felt like crying!
The anaethetist then came in to meet me and so began the quickest event of my life. I truly felt like the whole caesar went by in a flash. One minute I'm being prepped, given the spinal and the next minute it felt like the baby was out! So fast, just like that! (I'm clicking my fingers here.) They were already cutting me open when my husband joined us in the theatre - talk about wasting no time! But the whole time I felt very anxious - would I feel something? What was happening? I could also smell them cortirising my flesh - what a terrible smell! Then in the next second the gynae was lifting the baby over the screen to show him to me - now that was the shortest moment ever! It's burned into my memory forever - the first glimpse of my newborn son - but I felt like it only lasted a nanosecond before they were whipping him away to examine him, weigh him and whatever else they do. And I remember my first thought was "Oh thank God he doesn't look like a funny little monkey" (as a lot of babies do). He was actually really beautiful, even if I say so myself - like a poster baby. And I was SO relieved and couldn't believe that this gorgeous baby was mine. I had produced him. This was the thing that had been squirming around inside me for the past few months!
My hubby (as instructed by me) immediately went with the baby whilst I lay there being stitched up -craning my neck to see my baby - but I saw nothing and could only hear him crying. But that crying was like music to my ears. He is alive and well and breathing! Then they brought baby to me for a quick photo or two, and then I was whisked away to recovery - where I got the most uncontrollable shakes. And all the while my mind and heart is with my baby - I was DYING to see him again and hold him and examine him properly!
Finally I was back in my ward, and luckily they brought my baby to me shortly after that for his first feed. All I can say is, the nursing sister who helped me get him to latch was a godsend! An angel from heaven. I really believe she is the reason I am successfully breastfeeding today. Because with a (by now very painful) caesar cut, I couldn't sit up, could hardly move to the side - how awkward for this poor baby to basically feed with me lying down. But she encouraged me to sort of lie on my side and she pulled out my nipple and positioned him as best as to allow him to latch - and latch he did! Hoorah! And we were on our way. But if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have had the faintest clue how to get that tiny mouth onto my breast.
And then the PAIN really started to set in as the spinal wore off. They came and injected me with something which was meant to take the pain away, but all it did was make me very drowsy but I still felt intense pain! So I just lay there, all drugged and trying to sleep, but not able to, my mind was racing with the events of the day, and the shooting pain kept me awake too!
I tell you, I have never felt pain like that in all my life. I could hardly even move in the bed! And the very next morning at the Godforsaken hour of about 5 am they made me get up and go for a shower! I did it, but I was in agony!
All in all, my caesar went well, but I felt so very helpless afterwards what with not being able to move, not being able to get in and out of bed by myself etc. I felt like I wasn't able to fully take care of my baby and that was very frustrating! But looking back now, I can say that I was lucky to have had a "good" caesar - all went well, I have healed well, and I was up and walking - albeit painfully - the next day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)