For many months I regretted having a baby. Sadly, that is the truth. It's a truth that, as mother, I don't want to admit but there's no escaping it. It's not that I ever regretted my son per say, but I did regret having him. The total dependency was scary! This was during the early months, when I was walking around in a sleep-deprived coma, with a life that I didn't recognise as mine.
I went into the hospital as a free and independent woman, and I came out of hospital with no freedom and a permanent, crying attachment. I always laugh when people refer to their spouses as their "ball and chain" - a child is a true ball and chain! I couldn't go anywhere or do anything like I could before. I mean, technically I could still go places with the baby, but not practically. As any mother knows, going anywhere with a new baby is a whole operation - nappy bag, bum cream, nappies, bottles, towels, change of clothes etc...and then of course the baby, the pram, the blankets...then you remember yourself and that you haven't even showered yet that day! And the baby starts crying just as you're about to leave and so you have to stop and feed him. Mostly I didn't even feel like going out, but I missed wanting to. And I missed being spontaneous. Not that I was ever one for last minute plans, but if we felt like going out to lunch or a movie my husband and I could just go. Now there were no more movies or easy lunches out for me. Going out for any small thing had to be planned to the enth degree.
Day after day would see me in a pool of tears and it was usually only 9am! I hated feeling so trapped, and so at the mercy of this little crying bundle. The 3 hourly feeds felt like torture - I would just have finished the feed, changed the nappy and put him to sleep when he would wake and the whole cycle would start all over again.
But slowly, day by day, things settled. Not into a routine, mind you, although I was dying for one! No, that came much later, and even now I use the term "routine" loosely! But slowly, we grew accustomed to one another, this little guy and I, and I even started to enjoy some moments with him. The first time he smiled properly at me, at around 5 weeks, was like a little drop of water for my parched soul. And then later came a giggle, and I felt like, okay, maybe I can do this. Maybe I can get through the day. Maybe it will all be okay.
And then came sitting by himself, and with that little bit of independence, a sliver of release arrived for me. I could actually leave him for 5 minutes playing happily with his toys whilst I got on with doing something. And bit by bit, pieces of my old life returned to me as he became more of a little person and less of a helpless blob.
Now, a year down the line, things are nowhere near to normal, but I can say that I have a semblance of a life again, my life, again. It's nothing like my old, carefree, pre-baby life, but it is richer in many ways (and harder in others), but finally I can say with truth and an open heart that I no longer regret having had my baby.
Such an open and honest post. This is how it should be New Mom! You are not weird you are just one of the few honest moms.
ReplyDeleteFor a long time I have found the way that society and TV "romanticise" the whole role of new mom very annoying and silly. So many new moms believe it will really be that way only to be confronted by the reality which is in your post today and they start wondering what is wrong with them. I see my friends and family battle through the first year but still keep up the whole "lie" when asked by those without kids what it is like. Why dont we all come out like you have and admit it is hard, sucks at times and there are moments of regret so that when it happens it is not a shock. Well done to you!
We want to start a family next year and I for one appreciate an honest point of view like this.
i agree with the above comment. you are a honest mom, my boy just turned 7 & my daughter is almost 2 and a half. i still have days where i feel like you did. days where i just feel like crying. days that i wonder why did i choose to have kids. then you have those days when you watch them, or they give you a big hug & smile & say mommy "i love you", then you realise why. but they do change your life, totally! i think i might have had my kids to young. take care & look after yourself!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post and honesty. Definitely helps me for the future, knowing what it *really* will be like and not the romanticised version of new parenthood.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys - I will post more "honest" posts and tell it like it is! I was definitely fed the romanticised version of things and that's not at all how it is!
ReplyDelete@Family Stone: I don't think it matters what age you have your kids, I am older and not sure it was the right age either?
Having kids is definitely a long term investment. It seems like bringing them up takes forever but that forever is gone in the blink of an eye. I only have one 'child' at home and he is 20. But if we dont invest in these beloved burdens, who will our family be as we grow older. A lot of people have been too busy to have children and when their career is over or their spouse has passed on they are on their own. Thats when the dividends on our long term investment of love, time and energy pay out.
ReplyDeleteIts so great to hear the hard truth. Sometimes people feel as though they have gone wrong somewhere when they hear how fabulous motherhood is and how they just fit perfectly into it.
ReplyDeleteIts not always the case - thank you for showing that not everyone finds it as easily.
It doesnt make you a bad mother nor does it make you feel like you shouldnt have had kids. Sometimes it just takes a bit longer.
Oh my... if that's the case of the motherhood, I should become even braver. Happy to read there are still some joys :)
ReplyDeleteMy sister used to call it the motherhood lie because everyone says it's so amazing and you just know what to do and feel so fulfilled and my sister didn't feel like this at all. Know that you're not alone AT ALL, slowly but surely a lot of my friends have come clean and said how hard it is!
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